Sex isn’t all about Penetration: Close the Orgasm Gap

In and Out… Repeat

From a  heteronormative point of view, the first thing that comes to mind when the word sex is mentioned isn’t foreplay or oral sex, rather, it’s straight up penis penetrating a vagina. Limiting is an understatement.

There are obviously different types of sex, and different people you can have sex with (including yourself). There are fetishes and fantasies that many, SO many people have. One study found that out of 55 fantasies studied, only 2 were considered rare (2.3% or less of people had them), and 9 were considered unusual (16% or less of people had them). Only 11 fetishes in total were considered rare on the spectrum. Funny enough, submission/domination fantasies were statistically connected and the most common fantasies for both sexes.

With the societal normalization of this one type of sex (which seems to be the blandest/most vanilla sex of all), this is setting up many people, especially women, for failure when it comes to pleasure.

A survey that was done by Cosmo found that 57% of women “usually” orgasm during sex, but 95% of their partners always reach orgasm. That’s not good. The women who had trouble reaching orgasm found that they struggled with clitoral stimulation; they either needed more stimulation or a different type. When asked how they do achieve the big O? Masturbation.

O Gap

How do we explain this HUGE gap in orgasms between the sexes?

• Lack of knowledge + lack of sex education regarding female pleasure
• The misconception that women are “bad” at orgasming, or that we’re more difficult to please and really are only there for the intimacy and cuddles
• The misconception that women take so much longer than men, so no need to expect it every time
•  The TERRIBLE misconception that women are there to please a man, and not the other way around.

Let’s Address that Gap, and Let’s Fill it in Now

Knowledge

We only recently found out about the clit via science. In the 1990s we finally figured out the anatomical scope of the excited clitoris, and in 2009 we finally got a 3D image of the damn thing. More recently, we are starting to figure out the extent of it and more about different types of orgasms that all seem to be connected to the clit. Adding female pleasure to the typical grade school/high school curriculum is slow to take off, but some advocates are doing an amazing job, like Tabu Edu: an amazing resource for sexual health, wellness, and masturbation.

Difficulty Level 100

Harder? Unable to Seal the Deal? No… This is made up. Seriously. Women who sleep with women have a much easier time orgasming, and just straight up have more orgasms. In it for the cuddling? No. Nope. Nada. Women like sex too, shocker.

You’re Taking TOO Long

Just like men, women can orgasm during masturbation, and in the same amount of time (which at average is 4 minutes). So, it seems that the issue of time may be in the technique rather the body.

A Woman’s Place in the House (and Senate)

We have this notion that a woman is meant to awaken desire, and a man is meant to consume it. In turn, focusing on his wants, needs, and desires outside of the bedroom follows. There is a strong mental correlation with pleasuring him mentally and physically so, we start to associate heteronormative sex with male orgasm and completion. Hence why we connect foreplay with female pleasure.

Embrace Your Differences

95% of participants aging 18-96 were all in agreement that penile-vaginal intercourse means “had sex” according to a study done by the Kinsey Institute. But, as the questions became a little more specific they found more discrepancies, such as 11% of participants would not use the phrase “had sex” if “the man did not come.”

We all think and feel different things, and as we slowly but surely demolish certain social norms of sex, gender, and relationships it will be more acceptable to, simply put: be different.

If you could write a definition of “sex” what would it be?