Sex is amazing, we can certainly testify to that. Sex and sexuality, in general, are perfect representatives of how truly amazing the body is and what it is capable of. The thing is, sex comes with a lot of challanges because, in a lot of cases, it involves more than just one person. When it comes to partner and/or group sex, we become reliant on others to get our needs and desires met. Though asking for what we want, sexually and otherwise, sounds like a simple thing to do, it can be beyond challanging, hard to properly articulate, awkward, and just all around unformfordable. So, we’d like to save you a little bit of stress by introducing to you the Yes, No, Maybe guide! But first, let’s talk about sex and why it’s so damn amazing.
Furthermore, let’s talk about the body’s uncanny ability to adapt to our current circumstances. For example, during periods in which we are not having sex on a regular basis, our libidos may lower to match this. On the flip side, when we are having regular sex the body will prepare for more sex by keeping the fire stoked; this can even mean getting wetter faster, as well as having an increase in blood flow and skin/muscle elasticity.
More frequent sexual activity can also work to boost our confidence levels. Hormones released during sexual activities can help boost your confidence in general; adding to the fact that sex generally involves having a sexually desirable person lusting after you. Additionally, if you are having sex with the same person this can help build trust between you two as you start associating those feel-good hormones with that person and the powerful connection you have with them; being able to trust people in your life creates confidence in your relationships, which can then transfer over into various other aspects of your life.
We see in both solo sex and partner sex, that increased relaxation and greater ecstasy is related to heightened orgasmic pleasure and satisfaction. We also see that greater orgasmic pleasure and satisfaction experienced during sex is correlated with a heightened emotional intimacy with our partner(s) after sex. These orgasmic manifestations shed light on the importance of interpersonal-affective qualities of the orgasm experience.
You’re convinced, right? Sex is good. Good for us, good for our relationships, good for our lives.
But what if we’re not having the sex we desire with our partner?
Communication is key in relationships, inside the bedroom and out- but it can be tricky. It can give us anxiety, performance anxiety, and even make us not want to engage in sexual activity at all. In today’s world, we’re in front of a screen most of our days- sitting at a computer, staring at the phone… the list goes on. This constant digital engagement can take a toll on our abilities to really communicate in deep and emotional settings.
We’ve expanded our ways of communication, showing affection, and relating to one another, which (though positive for a number of reasons) can hurt our abilities to have that in-person conversation that is needed to properly convey what we need/want in bed.
Before we get into how to talk to your partner about trying different things, it’s important to note that what you like in bed does not define you as an individual; it’s about how it makes you feel.
Everyone is different and can be turned on by all different types of things, so find out what you want for yourself and you’ll be more inclined to ask for it from someone else. Being upfront and detailed about your needs makes the other person feel like you want them, so they’ll feel just as good giving you pleasure. Taking initiative and being vocal about your desires can be a total turn-on and can give you the confidence to continue being assertive in bed.
*Side note* that “weird” thing you want to try probably isn’t weird, fetishes and fantasies are super common. One study found that out of 55 fantasies studied, only 2 were considered rare (2.3% or less of people had them), and 9 were considered unusual (16% or less of people had them). Funny enough, submission/domination fantasies were found to be the most common fantasies for both the men and women who were studied. So, chances are the thing you want to try, isn’t new or innovative- someone else in the world has most likely wanted and done it, too. But that said- we’re not trivializing your wants, but rather, we’d like to help you communicate and get want you’re looking for!!
Yes, No, Maybe?
Circling back to how it can be pretty tricky to blatantly ask your partner to try new things, we’ve got a suggestion: a Yes, No, Maybe guide. Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe not. The concept is pretty simple, laying out a bunch of ideas, going through them, simply writing a Y, N, or M (for yes, no, or maybe). We’re not expecting you to come up with an endless list of possibilities – you might not even know about some of them! So, we’ve created one for you!
Before you start the list, remember why you’re bringing it up in the first place: communication. The list is meant to be a catalyst for conversation. Print out two copies (or however many you need for you and your partner(s)) and sit down in a non-sexual, safe place. Fill out your lists separately and then trade. Go through each of the questions.
If you both say no to something, feel free to skip it- but it might be interesting to hear the other person’s point of view on why it’s a no for them. If they don’t want to discuss it- leave it be. Don’t try to persuade your partner or pressure them into sexual activity, that’s not productive or part of a good partnership.
If it’s a maybe, discuss what that actually means. Is it a possibility? Is it a yes with conditions? This is key to understanding what your partner might be into and the reasons behind it. No need to get into crazy details if you don’t feel like it, you don’t need to explain why you think you might like something, but rather why you think it could be fun to incorporate, or how you think it will make you feel.
The yes answers might seem easier, especially if you are both in agreement, but a conversation will still be very helpful. Both want to try hard spanking? Who wants to be spanked? Both of you? How? With your hands? With a toy? During sex? Randomly during the day? Are there boundaries? Is there a word or phrase you can say to initiate it? Is there a time when you don’t want it? Feel free to take notes! Use the papers as your sexual guide.
There will be more questions than answers most likely, but that’s the point: opening up the conversation with someone else to start to explore each other in different ways!
Use this link (http://bit.ly/yesnomaybe_pns) or click below
If you’re unsure what something is on the list- use your own interpretation or search it on psychnsex! We’ve got an amazing glossary!
We hope you enjoy this guide as much as we do, and we hope it propts some open, honest communication between yourself and those whom you are having sex with. Remember, in intimate and potentially vulnerable conversations such as these, compassion is key; it is important to foster a safe space for learning, growing, and self-discovery. Be sure that you aren’t reactive or defensive during this process, this may hiinder the communication you are working to build. If soemthing strikes a chord with you, do some reflecting and talk about it later in a seperate setting if you are truly bothered. Lastly, have FUN! Sex doesn’t always have to be serious, some of these things can seem funny, so laugh. This is a fun, cool experence to share with your sexual partner(s) and we want you to enjoy it to the fullest!
As always, we’re here if you have any questions.