Want to See Your Partner Have Sex with Someone Else? Let’s Talk About Cuckolding

To Rachel From Tiger:

“I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament. I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting f—ked by Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that. Now I can’t get back to sleep. My body is tired, but my mind is awake. Need an Ambien.”

Yes, this phenomenon is known as cuckolding and yes, it’s actually defined by Merriam-Webster. Defined simply as “a man who’s wife is unfaithful” with roots stemming from the cuckoo bird. This bird is known for laying its eggs in birds nests that it didn’t mate with. Not to be confused with polyamory and or non-monogamy, though. The allure of a “cuckold” is seeing your partner with another mate in sexual situations.

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There are several theories and explanations when it comes to why you would like to see your partner being intimate with someone who isn’t you. To name a few:

  • The pleasure could be linked to another person being better in bed or more physically attractive than you are. This can be linked to BDSM- specifically the masochism aspect of being humiliated
  • The eroticization of male anxiety about their partner cheating on them
  • A sperm competition. When a man knows that a woman is sleeping with multiple men, including him, he actually sub-consciously can have biological changes. His sperm count can rise and his thrusts will be deeper and harder during sex to try and be the one to fertilize her
  • Men could actually gain psychological gratification from knowing that others want what he has known as king bee syndrome
  • Mental anguish in people with heightened IQs can cause a form of psychological sadomasochism
  • There’s an element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions and predictability of daily life
  • The thrill of competition

With just those 7 reasons listed, and I’m sure plenty more, it’s important to take a step back and realize that this desire is not “weird,” and many people are interested in seeing their significant other with another partner. Most of the research and theories available are based on heterosexual relationships, but this interest isn’t limited to straight couples. The principle boils down to simply longing to see your partner with another individual erotically.

Want to try it?

Getting to know yourself before you have sex with others might be the most important thing you can do; yes, even more than communicating to your partner. Watching movies, reading erotic novels, and using your imagination can be the first step. Start by finding things you’re into and masturbating. Take it slow if you think you’re not ready to commit to an in-person fling.

Joining groups on Facebook or chat rooms can also be really informative. Think of this like you’re looking to get into a new hobby or career. Informational interviews can help you learn more and get some real life advice.

Ready to chat with your partner?

The key thing when deciding to embark on this new sexual path is communication. First things first, if you’re in a relationship where you are “seeing each other” it’s imperative to keep the other person’s best interests in mind. If you love this person and want to stay in your loving committed relationship, consider their point of view and be sure to go over all possibilities before presenting the idea. You can start with asking them to watch porn in this genre with you or reading one of your erotic novels out loud to them. This is a great way to gauge their initial reactions. If you feel like you’d like to try it IRL but are nervous to have the conversation with them, you can always go to a sex therapist or a couples counselor to have a neutral third-party in the room.

They’re not into it?

That’s okay! You were open and honest with not only yourself in wanting to explore this part of your sexuality, but you were honest with them as well. If you feel that they might not be into it, be sure to make it clear that them not being interested will not jeopardize your love or intimacy in any way.

They’re into it?

Take it slowly, step by step. Have lots of conversations about protection from STIs, emotional involvement, boundaries, safe words, and mutually what type of person you’re both attracted to. If you go online to find someone, be safe. Do your research and find legit websites or check out different swinging events.

Embracing your fantasies is a natural, normal part of life and should be rewarding, not shameful. Sexual fetishes are only harmful if they are messing with your everyday life or your partners.

And believe me, you’re not the first or the last to want to see your partner with someone else, so don’t be ashamed.

Sasha

Co- Founder of Psych n Sex, previous writer and campus educator for the Kinsey Institute & published psychology researcher. Manhattan girl obsessed with post ww2 abstract expressionism, beet juice, vintage clothing & Scandinavia.

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